Mr. Grooism

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December 06, 2003 - 12:12 p.m.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Let it melt, let it melt, let it melt!

Here we go again, first snow of the season and I’m already ready for spring! Since I don’t ski (What? A klutz like me hurtling downhill at 100 mph straddling a pair of waxed planks? No thanks, pass the hot chocolate!) and don’t really get a chance to do anything else to actively enjoy the white fluffy stuff, snow has just become kind of a drag for me. I don’t actually hate snow itself, I love the beauty of that downy blanket of whiteness (awwwww…), but I have less and less patience for shoveling (Feh! on shoveling!!! ) as I get older. Hmmm, maybe this is how Grumpy Old Men get their start?

Since I was unemployed during the whole of last winter’s snowy madness, I was merely irritated by the massive amounts of shoveling (Feh! ) I had to endure, but now we shift the focus to driving in the snow.

I’ve always endured it, but never before worked a job where it was necessary that I show up in a snowstorm plus have to drive to get there. I’ve got a little rear-wheel drive convertible that is sooo not made for the snow, and last night the 2 hours 15 minutes it took making the (normally) 30 minute drive home put me in mind of that old Little Richard song: “Slippin’and a slidin’, peepin’ and a hidin’, been told a long time ago…I been told, baby you been told, I won’t be yo’ fool no more!”

Except of course that I will be your fool for quite a bit longer, thank you very much!

Alternately, good old Simon and Garfunkel maybe sings it better. “Slip sliding away, slip sliding away, you know the nearer your destination the more you’re slip sliding away!!!

Bottom line, now I’ve gotta look forward to doing a ton of driving in the snow (Feh! on driving in the snow) in a car designed to look good at the beach.

Aside to all my good family and friends in Minnesota and other such environs: yeah I know you’re all saying, “Cry me a river, Larry, you’ve got it good in NY compared to our frosty wastelands” (so much cheerier than frozen wastelands, don’t ya think?). Still, I do so looooove to bitch, so I will!

Remember folks, it’s not about how well you can handle a car in the snow, it’s about the other guy careening towards you with an expression of blithering panic pasted across his pasty face.

BTW, everyone on earth swears that they themselves are good drivers. The standard definition of a bad driver seems to be: anyone who drives faster or slower than me, swerves in or out of lanes more or less than me, or is otherwise more careful or more reckless than me. But I digress…even my narrative is slipping!

Well, since “Slip Sliding Away” seems to be today’s theme, this is a good place to insert…

Grooism #2:
The Banana Peel

Most of my Grooisms concern doing something stupid rather than saying something stupid. Well, the title really says it all on this one...

One fine day in New York City, I happened to be crossing Sixth Avenue between 43rd and 44th street, going towards a building called The Hippodrome, an office building where I worked at the time built on the historical site of the old Theatre of the Bizarre called, oddly enough, The Hippodrome. (Appropriate, huh?) I stepped off the curb, paying more attention to the hazards of traffic than what was underfoot, and well, you guessed it, no surprises here, I actually stepped on a banana peel!!! Do real people really do things like that?

The best part is, as I was slipping I tried desperately to keep from falling, and wound up madly pinwheeling my arms like a character in Looney Tunes, slipping and sliding in a rather vain attempt to avoid falling on my butt.

Of course, I landed on my butt.

How well do you guys think you know New Yorkers? Jaded, unflappable, ignore the most bizarre sights without a backward glance, right? Nooo, not this time. My little performance actually caused a pause in pedestrian traffic and earned me a smattering of applause.


I really do live the life of a cartoon character!

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