Mr. Grooism

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March 26, 2004 - 1:00 a.m.

Adventures In Retail

What Not To Do

I was talking the other day with a buddy who works in property management, (I’ll call him Durango because his name sounds nothing like that, so there) about some of the theft issues in my store. There is a highly organized gang of thieves working our area who fill multiple shopping bags with around $4,000 worth of DVD’s and run out the door!

These goons have hit us a number of times, sometimes we prevent the thefts, sometimes they get away. One time last fall I did exactly the wrong thing (who, me?) and chased them through the parking lot until they dropped the bags.

Why is this wrong? I recovered the product, over $4,000 worth of new releases, didn’t I?

Well, its wrong because store policy is firmly against risking life and limb over product. How did I know they wouldn’t pull a weapon of some sort, or that their driver (or even some shopper speeding through the parking lot) wouldn’t run me down? Just because it worked out, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to go chasing thieves through a parking lot. Bad Larry, bad! I guess you can call it an aborted attempt at a Grooism, only I forgot the bad end result!

Anyway, back to Durango.

After telling Durango the above story, he tops it with this great tale!

Back when he was in retail management, Durango had some jerk whom I will name Mr. Splashy grab a self-sealing stem bolt (ok, so I don’t remember what he stole) and dash out the door. Durango quite unwisely took off in pursuit, following him not only through the parking lot, but around back, through some woods, and splashed across a stream (hence the moniker).

Mr. Splashy stopped and gave Durango a look of triumph from across the stream, never imagining that Durango would also just splash through the stream in his work clothes!

They raced through the woods and into a development, but wily Mr. Splashy finally lost my buddy and got away.

It was almost time to go home anyway, so soggy Durango returned to the store wet and despondent, only to be chewed out by his boss for doing a Very Stupid Thing.

Just then Durango’s ride, whom I’ll call Doiby, called to say he was on his way. Durango told Doiby his tale, and Doiby was oddly silent.

It seems on the way to pick up Durango Doiby stopped to pick up a hitcher (yet another Very Stupid Thing!), and this hitcher had soaking wet legs! Not only that, but our pal Mr. Splashy was still in the car! Doiby simply told Mr. Splashy he needed to pick someone up before dropping him at his destination. Boy, did Mr. Splashy’s jaw drop to see his old running partner Durango again!

In this case, two wrongs seems to have made a right, and Mr. Splashy went to jail. Huzzah for jail!

Durango swears this story is true, and who am I to doubt him? After all, I’m the guy who got a chopstick stuck in my carburetor, ain’t I?

Avast, Me Hearties!

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All content except as noted copyright 2003, 2004 Lawrence C. Steller, all rights reserved. May not be reproduced in any form without express written permission from Larry, ok?

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